I didn’t realize I was lost until I thought about who I was one day. I mean who I was as a person and a woman. Yes, I wear a lot of different hats and have a lot of different titles; sister, daughter, mother, friend, caregiver, business owner, blogger,and more. No single one of them though is the sum of who I am. That woman whomever she is was lost a long time ago. I lost her the day I looked across the street and feel into the eyes of a man that would treat me like garbage for almost the next decade. I allowed that. I allowed myself to become that, to become everything I swore I would never become.
Did you know that I had a fabulous job in Human Resources once and I was good at it. When people ask I generally say that life got in the way and I decided to be a stay at home mom. That’s not true though. The truth is I was told to quit and I did because it kept the peace. I wasn’t abused not in the sense of being hit or even verbally abused but he certainly knew how to get me to do what he wanted. He knew how to have make sure that even when I caught him cheating, I apologized.
Pathetic huh? I now think of those years as my lapse of sanity years. That has to be the reason. Why you ask? Because I was never the type of gal who would allow a man to do that to me. That is what I always told myself. Yet I did. It took me a few years after the divorce and the relationship ended for good before I could admit all of that. I thought there was something wrong with me. After all he left and was unfaithful because I couldn’t be what he needed me to be. Now I will straight up tell y’all and him if I ever see him there isn’t a a thing in the world wrong with me.
I am perfectly fine even if I am not sure of anything else. I am relearning all of the things I like such music. All of the books that I put off reading and all of the clothing that I wanted to wear but never could. I will never forget the day I discovered I had lost a bunch of weight. I had gone from a size 20 pants to a size 10 and was about to wear a Large shirt for the first time in I don’t know when. I had gotten this top that I thought looked amazing on me. It was one of those tanks with the thin straps. I was so thrilled. I wore my new outfit to lunch with my ex and to say he was less than thrilled was an understatement.
He made a remark to the effect of should I be showing so much when his friends were around. Later he ended up tearing the straps on the shirt. He said it was an accident but I’m certain it wasn’t. That day was the day I stopped working out and started eating again. I haven’t lost that much weight in who knows how long but I have several of those tanks now that I wear.
I want to be able to look back a year from now and say I didn’t know who I was but my journey led me to myself. I want to write a post next year and say I am whatever. I don’t want the sum of my life to be who I am to other people but rather who I am to myself. That is when I can be the best person I am to all of those other people.