As children most of us have undying faith. We believe because our parents taught us to do just that. We never second guess anything. As we grow up we begin to second guess everything. I didn’t when it came to my faith. I was like the child who still believed in Santa Clause. God was real to me in fact my sister in-law made a comment when she saw that movie that one of the characters reminded her of me.
Then my marriage failed and it seemed that everything fell apart. I prayed on my knees day in and day out for God to help me. For him to allow my family to stay together and help me understand what I did wrong. Why was everyone seemed to leave me? What did I do that made me so difficult to love? Yep, I totally went crazy stalker girl. On like the millionth time on my knees one night, in the depths of my repair I parted ways with God. I told him to just go about his business and leave my life alone. I made such a mess of it with him in it there was no way I could make a bigger one without him.
So we parted ways and I spent a number of years without that interaction. I did take my children to church, said grace before meals, and all of that jazz. What I didn’t do was pray (other than grace) nor did I read the bible in any way. I admit there were times it was difficult to turn away from God but then other times he never crossed my mind. I didn’t worry about my soul or whatever. I just went on with life even though there seemed to be something missing.
I didn’t know if it was the lack of faith or maybe the conversations with God that I had in the past that were missing. I felt like I wasn’t whole but I couldn’t bring myself to turn to back to God. I felt as though he let me down. I spent a lifetime doing my best to live by his word and be the best person I could be. It wasn’t easy and then when I needed him the most he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t want to hear about the footprints in the sand because I was angry and hurt.
It took me a number of years to get beyond that and truthfully it is something that I am still working on. I am struggling everyday with it but I felt like I had no choice at the time. Did I do the right thing? Looking back I can say no but at the time I felt like I had no choice. What I should have done was pray harder and maybe talk with my priest. I should have turned to God in those moments because I had turned to him in all things before. Every night I said grace I felt like the biggest hypocrite. I wonder if the way I felt was the way Job felt at times. Yet he had more faith than I did. What now?
Though our gospel is veiled: the final application of the image. Paul has been reproached either for obscurity in his preaching or for his manner of presenting the gospel. But he confidently asserts that there is no veil over his gospel. If some fail to perceive its light, that is because of unbelief. The veil lies over their eyes, a blindness induced by Satan, and a sign that they are headed for destruction.
Now I am on the path to rediscovering God and my relationship with him. I will tell you that I have not yet asked for his forgiveness for my faithlessness. I know that many will say that should have been the first thing I did. In my shame and uncertainty I don’t think I am there yet. I know that he understands and he knows that I will ask when I am at that point.